Where My Heart Breaks Read online

  “Tell me,” I demanded.

  Millie winced and pulled her hand out of my manic grasp. I had forgotten how strong she was. “Chill. It’s all arranged. There’s a place down the road that’s secluded and he said he likes to go fishing there a lot. It’s beneath some bridge that he said you’d know, Knock Bridge or something like that?”

  “Knollwood Bridge. It’s from the book.” It was a poetic choice. Jackson and Camilla met under that bridge to discuss the consequences of their illicit affair and what they were going to do about it. It was so like Reed to make me meet him there.

  Millie had continued on, not noticing my reflective pause. “He said it wouldn’t be weird for people to see his truck parked on the side of the road there. I’ll drop you off there at one-thirty and then pick you back up at three, so there’s plenty of time for us to get some shopping in before you have to get back.”

  “You are prioritizing shopping over my love life?” I sputtered.

  Millie sighed. “Oh, stop being so dramatic. I’ve given you ninety minutes to do…whatever. I’ll lay low and take a drive and check out the scenery. It would look strange for me to be around town without you, especially if you think your aunt’s spies are watching you as closely as you think.”

  She had a point.

  “Are you sure this is the right thing to do?” I asked.

  “Whatever life decisions you are making in your head, you need to have all the facts, and you’ll need to have closure. Right now you are spinning your wheels, and it’s driving both of us crazy.”

  Leave it to Millie to be sure I knew how my chaotic life affected her. For the next forty-five minutes, Millie talked my ear off about her grand ideas for bringing the wedding business to the Willoughby. I only half listened as my thoughts had turned to the man that I was meeting after lunch.

  As expected, I nibbled at the tuna melt. It actually wasn’t half bad, but I wasn’t hungry. My stomach felt tight, and as the time that we had to leave approached, I felt the onset of panic.

  “Kate, I realize that I knowingly enjoy the sound of my own voice more than the average person, but seriously, even I am getting sick of hearing myself talk at this point,” Millie finally said. She had polished off her tuna melt and fries and liberated mine as well when I wasn’t paying attention.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not being very good company, am I?”

  “What’s Patrice’s story? I mean, you told me that she’s a widow and stuff, but what made her decide to buy that old place? It seems like a lot of work.”

  It was a safe and legitimate turn to the conversation, and I was ashamed to realize how little I had been thinking about Patrice in my own drama. “She and my Uncle John bought it together about eight years ago. I remember thinking it was beautiful when my mother showed me the pictures. We never made it out here to visit.”

  “Why? It’s a doable drive from Baltimore.” Millie’s mouth was full. It disgusted me how much Millie could eat. I have no idea where she put it in her willowy frame. She worked out at the gym like a fiend though, so at least she wasn’t one of those “I can eat whatever I want and not get fat” girls. Millie earned her figure the old-fashioned way, blood, sweat, and tears. I respected her for that. I wasn’t as committed.

  “I don’t think that Patrice and my mother are that close,” I said. “But in the end I think they’re a lot alike. That’s why my mother was okay sending me out here. Being with Patrice is the next best thing to actually being with my mother.”

  “Good ole Mrs. Spivey,” Millie said, shaking her head.

  Millie and I had been friends for three years, and my mother had never invited her to call her by her first name. It was slightly embarrassing, but luckily Millie got it after spending a little bit of time with my family. There wasn’t a lot of warm and fuzzies in the Spivey household. It had been even worse when I was a kid. I watched my friends’ moms fuss over them, give them lots of hugs and praise, and I wondered what was wrong with me that my mother didn’t do that with me. It wasn’t until I crossed the line into adulthood that I came to the realization that it wasn’t me at all. It was her. I had no excuses for her anymore.

  “I thought that Patrice was at least reasonable,” I said. “I thought that she was pleased with how I was doing. I was pretty proud of myself anyway. Guess I was wrong.”

  “Patrice is okay,” Mille said. “I think she’s stressed out. Like I said, I think it’s a lot of work running that place alone.”

  I thought about what Millie said. I naturally assumed that Patrice’s distance had to do with her disapproval of me, but, as usual, that was my own self-involved perception. The whole reason that my mother sent me to Patrice was because things hadn’t been going well since Uncle John passed away last year.

  “Well, I’m here to help her. At least for the summer,” I said.

  “Speaking of help, here comes our pie,” Millie said, her face lighting up. At my questioning look, she clarified. “Helping me take care of my sweet tooth.”

  Millie’s logic was astonishing sometimes.

  Trina set two pieces of apple pie down in front of us. Even though I still had no appetite, I had to admit that the aromas wafting to my nostrils made my mouth water. I did need to eat.

  She placed the bill face down at the edge of the table. “The pie went on Sam’s tab.”

  “I’ll remember to thank him later,” Millie assured her.

  “It was nice to meet you, Trina,” I said. The girl waved to me before she left the table.

  “What is up with you and Sam?” I asked as I picked up my fork. The pie was too tempting to resist. I moaned as I put the first bite in my mouth. It was the slightest bit tart, but the sweet cinnamon crispness offset it perfectly, and it was as if it melted in my mouth.

  “I just met Sam,” Millie said. “Besides, we’re not here to focus on my love life.”

  There was definitely something more there, but Millie was locked up tight like a safe. A pack of explosives wasn’t going to open her lips on a topic that she didn’t want to discuss. My pie seemed to disappear. If I wasn’t sitting across the table from Millie, there’s a good chance I would have picked up the plate and licked the crumbs off of it.

  I went to pick up the check, but Millie grabbed it first. “You’re letting me shack up with you. I can get this.”

  I didn’t bother arguing. Millie did stuff like that for me all the time. She put down cash, looked at her watch, and then looked at me. “You ready to rock?”

  My knees felt a little weak. It seemed like time was barreling forward and I didn’t have time to catch my breath. “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”

  “Go to the ladies room and put a little lipstick on,” Millie said as she stood. “You don’t want to look like death warmed over when you see Prince Charming again.”

  Chagrined yet again at Millie’s candor, I took her advice. A little blush helped with how pale I was, and the lipstick brought the color back to my face. Assured that I was presentable, I made my way back to Millie’s car. As I got in, I forced myself to take a long, calming breath.

  Millie watched me with a slightly amused look in her eyes. “I can’t wait to meet this guy. I haven’t seen you this neurotic ever.”

  “Just drive,” I said.

  Knollwood Bridge was several miles south of town past the town hall. We rode in silence, and I couldn’t help but stare at the building as we passed it. It looked like a small, decrepit place in the daylight. But it would always have fond memories for me since it was the first place that Reed and I kissed.

  We saw the bridge a mile away as the highway curved around on a slow approach to it. I sat up straighter when I saw Reed’s truck parked on the side of the road.

  Millie checked her rearview mirror. “Nobody in front of us. Nobody behind us. He said that once you get out of the car, there’s a path on the passenger side of the truck that goes into the trees. Follow it down to the river and you’ll find him.”

  A smal
l thrill ran through my body. In a few minutes, I was going to see him again. I didn’t know how I was going to react. I decided that I would wait to see how he reacted to me first. In a way, it felt as if it had been years since I had seen him. It was crazy how much could change so quickly.

  Millie pulled off to the side of the road. She reached over and squeezed my hand. “Call me if you need me to come back early. Otherwise, I’ll be back in at three.”

  “Thanks, Millie.” I meant it.

  “Get out of here before somebody comes,” she said.

  I jumped out and shut the door. Millie was already on the move as I made my way to the other side of Reed’s truck. I saw the path right away. It was steep and rocky as it wound its way down to the bubbling river below me. It occurred to me that Bleckerville seemed to be surrounded by water. I liked it. Water had a soothing effect on me.

  I felt jumpy, and my skin was hot. I could see that my hands were shaking. I made it to the bottom of the path, and I felt his presence before I saw him. My head turned to the side and there he was with a fishing rod in hand and a line in the water. As his eyes found mine, the electricity that passed between us even twenty feet away from each other was palatable.

  He set the rod down into what looked like a makeshift holder of rocks and then he started to walk in my direction. I searched his face. What was he thinking? Was he happy to see me? Could I really walk away from him? All of these thoughts tumbled through my mind, and then, as if he could read it, he gave me his answer.

  He stopped about five feet away from me and opened his arms. Then I answered my own question. With a soft sob, I bolted into his embrace and felt his arms clench around me, pulling me tightly against him. For many minutes after that, I didn’t think of anything else.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Eventually, Reed put his arm around me and drew me under the bridge. I had forgotten that we were supposed to be hiding our little rendezvous, but Reed, considerate as always, had not. There was a gentle slope of the ground from where the bridge connected with the river’s shore, and I saw a familiar blanket stretched out on the embankment waiting for us.

  He pulled me down to the ground and then positioned me carefully so that my back rested against his chest, my body snuggly fit between his knees. His chin rested on my shoulder, and it wasn’t until then that he broke the silence between us.

  “So it was that bad, huh?”

  “You’ve never met my mother,” I said. That’s when it all spilled out of me. My mother’s ultimatum that I stay away from Reed. The fact that I felt completely lost and, instead of being supportive, my mother used it as a way to force me into the life that she chose for me. The distant relationship she and I had since the day I was born. The fact that I hated her.

  When those words popped out of my mouth, I felt the enormity of that emotion, and while there was a part of me that was ashamed of it, a far larger part of me embraced it. My mother was the perfect perfunctory parent, but I was merely an accessory in her carefully constructed life. No wonder it had been such a blow for her when I let my life deteriorate last fall, and no wonder she swooped in to take over with an iron fist.

  I had reveled in no longer being perfect. The perfect student. The perfect daughter. Trevor was my partner in crime, and even though he was bad for me, he fed me the life I craved that gave me a temporary feeling of freedom. That’s why it had been so addictive. I didn’t want Trevor. I needed to feel what I felt like when I was with Trevor.

  As I talked, Reed’s fingertips found the knots in my shoulders and he kneaded them relentlessly, sending little spurts of pain across my back. I didn’t mind. If anything, it pressed me to continue. There were things that I told Reed that I never even told Dr. Kreger, like how Trevor would push me out of bed and make me sleep on the floor when I did something he didn’t like. Or how once, just once, right before I hit rock bottom, I took a handful of pills and thought about ending it all. Luckily I came to my senses and stuck a finger down my throat to call it all back up, but the fact remained that the thought was there.

  Reed’s hands paused as I told that story, and I wondered if I lost him then. I was so tired of feeling like the lost little bad girl, and all the lines were blurry now. I had done all those things, but I couldn’t let them define who I was. By owning my actions, I finally felt the ability to call them out for what they were so I could leave them behind. I had fallen victim to a dark rebellion brought on by years under the watchful eye of an overbearing, unforgiving mother.

  I turned around and sat on my knees staring into Reed’s dark green eyes searching to see if he had judged me. I saw only compassion and a deep sadness there. He wiped the tears away that I didn’t even realize streaked down my cheeks.

  “What can I do for you, Kate?” His voice was tender and soft.

  “I want you to make love to me,” I whispered.

  There was a pause where I wondered if I had misread him and his desire to make me feel right again. Then his hands curled up into my hair and he brought his lips to mine with a fierceness that I immediately responded to. Our tongues met, and I gripped his shoulders digging my fingertips into his skin. He growled and flipped me onto my back.

  I knew that Millie would be back soon. There wasn’t time for the delectable drawn out playfulness that marked our interludes the day before. What sizzled in the air between us was more than that now. It was a mutual desire to be one and be accepted unconditionally. There were no expectations, no rules, and no judgment. In that moment, I was free.

  Reed’s hands roughly roamed my body and I nipped at his jawline drawing another growl from deep within his throat. It thrilled me, how quickly he drew out that wanton part of me that refused to be satiated with one kiss or one long embrace. Our hands fumbled with removing the offending clothing that stood in our way, and I felt his body’s hard need pressed against my thigh.

  His fingers found the soft, damp folds between my legs and my head fell back in a loud moan. He slid one finger inside of me and then two and my breath caught in my throat. He leaned in and caught my lips again, and his tongue followed the rhythm of his fingers. My body shuddered as the waves of desire began to build.

  Then he moved on top of me, and I heard the command that I was coming to know well.

  “Open your eyes, babe.”

  I did and drank in the beauty of the man above me. Although I could see that he was as ready as I was for what was coming next, his eyes swept over my body making me feel as if he was admiring the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Then his thick shaft replaced his fingers between my thighs, and one hard thrust brought him deep inside of me. His eyes found mine. Joined as one, I felt safe and complete.

  I moved my hips to let him know that I was close and what I wanted from him. I wrapped my legs around his waist. His arms swept beneath me and then his face was just inches away from mine. He never broke the stare. What bubbled inside of me then, paired with that rush to the pinnacle of my pleasure, was an intensity of an emotion that I was sure I had never felt before and would never feel again with anyone else. Reed saw me, understood me and accepted me.

  I accepted him too, mind, body and soul. When the climax came, I cried out, and Reed groaned long and deep. Then he gently lowered himself on top of me and kissed me softly. I embraced him with both my arms and legs and enjoyed the feeling the weight of his body on mine. It was quiet then, and he nuzzled the crook of my shoulder.

  I closed my eyes and wished that we could stay like that forever.

  The trill of my text notification intruded all too soon.

  “That’s Millie,” I sighed.

  Reed sat up and rocked back on his heels before standing. I looked around and found my discarded shorts and underwear and quickly got dressed. I looked at my phone.

  Five minutes. Don’t be late.

  “I have to go,” I said.

  Reed offered me a hand and pulled me to my feet. I was inches away from him looking up into his eyes. He didn’t flinch on
ce.

  “I know,” he said.

  “I don’t…”

  Reed put a finger on my lips and stopped me. “I’m not your mother, Kate. I’m not going to tell you what I think you should do. I do want to you to know all the facts though. I feel something for you that I haven’t felt in a long time. Not since Izzy. I don’t want to label it for fear of cheapening it. I’ll leave it at if you decide that you want me to be part of your life, then I’d like that. If not, I’ll understand. Don’t worry about me. Do what’s right for you.”

  I felt my heart thud quickly in my chest. I was grateful that he demanded nothing from me that I wasn’t willing to give. I wrapped my arms around his waist and gave him a hug. His chin rested on my head, and he hugged me back. I knew what I wanted to say to him, and eventually I would, but there were other things that I needed to do first. Like Reed, I was cautious to label what we had between us too soon.

  He pushed me back gently and pointed at a path I hadn’t seen before on the other side of the bridge. “That’ll lead you back up to the road. Go on now, before you get yourself and your friend in trouble.”

  There were too many things that I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t have time. I leaned up on my tiptoes, kissed him one more time, and then dashed toward the path. That was another thing that I knew about Millie. She hated to be kept waiting.

  My timing was impeccable. Millie’s BMW glided back across the bridge just as I emerged from the tree line. She flashed her lights at me, which I took as a signal that everything was all clear. She pulled off to the shoulder of the road, and I slipped inside.

  “Judging by the goofy grin on your face, the reunion went well?” she said with a wink.

  I leaned back in the seat. My heart was beating too fast. What I was thinking about doing had huge repercussions that would ripple across my entire life. While I was sure it was what I wanted, I still had to be thoughtful about how I went about doing it.

  “I could use a mani/pedi,” I said. “Do you think we have time?”