Where My Heart Breaks Read online

  Old Kate didn’t exist anymore. I was more than a little drunk, but I wasn’t going to make another bad decision. A burst of happiness erupted inside of me at that realization, and I wrapped my arms around Sam’s neck and gave him a massive hug. The effect of my misguided gesture registered too late.

  “I’ll take that as a yes then,” Sam said into the crook of my neck.

  Shit.

  Immediately, I stepped out of Sam’s arms. “Sam, I…” Then I saw his face. He looked as if he had just won the lottery. The music began to pick up, and the moment to take back my inadvertent acceptance of his invitation passed. Sam grabbed my hand and walked me off the dance floor. I was in a daze. The longer I waited to tell him that he misunderstood me, the more awkward it was going to be. I’d embarrass him and then things would get uncomfortable.

  “You two looked cozy out there,” Casey said, elbowing my arm.

  I smiled faintly at her. The gears of my mind were trying to move so that I could think of a way out of this mess. Nothing came to mind. Sam moved toward Peter and Leon, and the three men smacked their hands high overhead. Great. News of my impending date with Sam appeared to be traveling fast.

  I glanced at my phone to see what time it was and saw I had a text message. It was from Reed.

  Outside. Now. Please.

  If he hadn’t added the last word, I probably would have responded with something petty and mean. A small thrill ran through me that I had his attention. I hated that I had to be in the arms of another man to get it.

  “I’m going to the ladies room,” I said to Casey.

  She nodded and pointed towards a corner of the bar. Luckily it was in the direction of the front door. The band kicked into their next song, and it was impossible for me to do anything other than gesture to Sam about where I was going. He seemed engrossed in a conversation with Peter and Leon. How they managed to communicate at all with the music booming around us was beyond me.

  I slowly made my way through the jam packed room. Everyone else pushed forward to get closer to the band, which made it difficult for someone like me going in the other direction to get through. When I finally arrived at the door, I threw a glance back over my shoulder. The crowd obscured the corner that Sam and his friends had taken over from view. I figured I had ten minutes tops before somebody came looking for me.

  I stepped outside, and it took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the gloom. It was slightly quieter, and my ears were grateful. I peered into the darkness searching for Reed.

  “Reed?” I called out softly. It was a joke because I barely heard myself over the music coming from the bar. Anyone more than a foot away wouldn’t hear me. “Are you out here?”

  I heard a noise off to my right around the corner. Warning bells went off in my mind. I stepped softly toward the noise. Then he emerged from the shadows and grabbed my wrist, pulling me back into the darkness with him.

  His mouth covered mine, and even though I tried to push him away, he held me tightly against him. There was nothing tender or soft about that kiss. It spoke of urgency and a need that my body responded to. A craving for something deeper and more intimate that couldn’t be easily satisfied.

  It was as if he sensed my hesitation and his hands squeezed my hips tightly against his. I felt his hunger for me and I couldn’t fight it. My hands made one more feeble attempt to push him away, and then my fingers came up and dug into his shoulders pulling him closer. For several long moments, there was nothing but that raw heat and need as I melted against him.

  His mouth broke away from mine, and I gasped for air.

  “Are you trying to drive me crazy?” His gruff voice carried the undertone of jealousy that I saw the glimpse of earlier.

  “You are the one who doesn’t want to get involved,” I said as my head cleared. I couldn’t do this with him again. I couldn’t let him draw me in only to decide that it was getting too deep. This time, I planted my hands against his chest and shoved. Reed’s arms unlocked, and I stumbled backward. He tried to catch me, but I waved his hands away and finally found my balance again.

  “What is this, Reed? Some kind of sick game for your amusement?”

  His emerald eyes flashed with anger, and I saw the set of his jaw. “It’s complicated. There are things you don’t know about me that you wouldn’t understand. I’m trying to protect your feelings.”

  “Yes, that’s what you said the other night. So if that’s how you feel, then why did you just do…that?” It was seriously one of the best kisses of my life. If I didn’t keep it together, I’d be kissing him again and in no better position then I was at that moment.

  Reed ran a hand through his hair. He had the decency to at least look sheepish. “I told you before that just because I wanted to protect your feelings didn’t mean that I didn’t want you. I am attracted to you.”

  The man was going to drive me crazy, in more ways than one. I crossed my arms. “You want me, but you don’t want me. You don’t want me, but yet you don’t want me to be with anyone else. That’s not going to work for me.”

  “I know it’s selfish, and it’s wrong,” Reed sighed. “I also don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret later.”

  Too late. I was already falling for him, despite his best efforts to discourage me. It was pure craziness on my part, and it had nothing to do with the liquor in my system. Reed would become my next addiction, and that was an addiction that had the potential to destroy me. It had to stop.

  “Sam asked me out on a date,” I said. “A real one.”

  Reed’s lip set in a frown. “What did you say?”

  “Technically I haven’t said yes, yet.” I waited for him to say the words that I so desperately wanted to hear. I wanted him to tell me that he didn’t want me to go out with Sam. I needed to hear him admit it.

  Reed shoved his hands into his pockets, and he looked away from me. “I shouldn’t have asked you to come out here. I just wanted to be sure you were okay. I saw you were drinking, and I remembered what you told me about that.”

  He was retreating. I shoved the pain in my chest back down. I would deal with that later.

  “I’m fine,” I said, raising my chin. “I can handle myself.” Even as I said the words, I felt confident they were true. That should have made me feel amazing, but the revolving door with Reed was taking all those good feelings away.

  “Okay. I’m glad to hear that.”

  I wanted to scream. The moment was gone. I could sense it. We were squarely back in the friend zone. Whatever prompted Reed’s need to claim that kiss had been packed away inside of him all neat and tidy, and he closed the lid on it. I wished it were that easy for me to do too.

  “Is there anything else you want to say?”

  “As long as you’re okay, then that’s all I needed to hear.” Reed backed away. I saw the flash of keys in his hands. “I gotta get up early, so I’m headed out. I’ve got some time tomorrow night to take you out to Grossler’s Point if you’re still interested. Just let me know.”

  What I wanted was for him to toss me over his shoulder, take me home, and make love to me. That clearly wasn’t in the cards, now or ever.

  “Okay,” I said, with a lump in my throat.

  “Have a good night. Be safe.” Then he turned and moved through the parking lot leaving me standing there like a fool.

  I wiped the tears out of the corners of my eyes. Fine. It was over. Done. Reed Black was history. I went back inside to find Sam. Reed wasn’t the only one who had to work early in the morning. My party mood was gone. I was ready to go home.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  How do you learn to be friends with someone you were instantly attracted to, and then be romantic with someone that initially inspired platonic feelings? This was the question that I faced, and one that literally kept me up far past my bedtime. Ever the gentleman, Sam was willing enough to leave his friends once I pleaded an early start for my reason to get back to the Willoughby. Casey made me promise we’d get together
again soon, and surprised me with a fierce hug before I left Lula’s. If circumstances were different, I thought that she and I could be great friends. As it was, I felt like a bitch for continuing to lead Sam on when I had no clear idea of what I wanted. That wouldn’t earn me any brownie points with his friends.

  It was Sunday, and since I worked Friday and Saturday night, I was supposed to have the night off. Patrice was less than thrilled about my abrupt disappearance the night before, but she seemed less unhappy when she found out that I was with Sam. Nonetheless, she had promised me a weekend night off, and so reluctantly agreed to honor her part of the bargain. It kept running through my mind that Reed offered to take me out to Grossler’s Point. I couldn’t decide if I was going to blow him off or not. The situation grew infinitely more complicated over lunch.

  I fully intended to grab a few leftovers off the buffet and take them back to the front desk to study. The training manuals were a welcome distraction from the torrent of emotions I was experiencing at the moment. I thought about calling Millie, but I didn’t want to admit how far Reed Black had gotten under my skin. I had known the guy for all of five minutes. That kind of crap didn’t happen in real life. I had to get a grip, and I didn’t need Millie’s not so subtle reminders to that effect.

  I had a million things running through my mind when I entered the dining room and so was completely unprepared when Sam emerged out of the kitchen.

  “Hey, Kate!”

  I wished that I were as happy to see him as he clearly was to see me. “Hey, Sam. How’s it going? I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” I checked the staff’s schedule that morning and was relieved to see that Sam wasn’t supposed to be on until Tuesday. I needed the extra time to figure out how to tell him that I couldn’t go out with him.

  “I swapped shifts with Benny so I could have Wednesday off,” Sam said. “I know Patrice gave you some weird nights off, and I wanted to be sure we’d be able to have our date.”

  It appeared that I wasn’t the only one who had been recently taking note of the employee schedule.

  “I saw you were off tonight. Got any big plans?” he continued.

  It was a simple question, but my mind blanked on any worthy excuse. I wasn’t blind. Sam was angling for an earlier opportunity to take me out. I wasn’t ready for that yet. I was still wrangling with the idea that Reed was off-limits, even though his behavior thus far said the exact opposite.

  “I’m finishing the book,” I said. No need to explain which book I was talking about. “I promised Patrice I’d get that done this weekend. Let’s hope there isn’t a pop quiz afterwards. I suck at tests.” I forced myself to stop talking. Now I was the one babbling.

  Sam shook his head. “I won’t ruin it for you, but every girl I know who read that book was super depressed afterwards. If you want to do something tonight when you are done with it, just give me a call. I’ll be around.”

  I had a sharp retort ready, but I kept it to myself. Although I didn’t know precisely how it ended, I did know that Where My Heart Breaks was ultimately a story of unrequited love and loss. There wasn’t a happily ever after for Jackson and Camilla. It was literary fiction after all. The story was all about emotional suffering and pain. In my current state, I wasn’t really looking forward to the end at all.

  The other reason that I didn’t outright turn him down was because Sam’s earnest face was so sincere. He was concerned that I was going to be upset by the ending of the book, and he was offering to help take my mind off of it. God, I hated that. Why did he have to be so damn thoughtful? It would be a lot easier to give the guy his walking papers if he was a jerk. But he wasn’t. Sam was a nice guy.

  That’s why Casey was so protective of him. That’s why he had been so forthcoming about not wanting to get involved with someone who already had feelings for someone else. Sam was the kind of guy that any girl would be lucky to end up with, which meant he was also the guy that always got the short end of the stick.

  “I think I’ll be okay,” I assured him. “That was nice of you to make sure that you had Wednesday off.”

  I had a new plan when it came to Sam. Instead of crushing his heart by rejecting him before going out with him, I decided instead that I’d show him that we were better suited to being friends. Except my signals to that effect were going to be a lot clearer than Reed’s. It didn’t escape my notice that the position Reed was in with me was the exact same position I now found myself in with Sam. Of course, I wasn’t laying a big fat kiss on Sam and then pretending it didn’t happen. Big difference. I gave myself a mental pat on the back for being mature about the whole thing. I was growing.

  “I know you said that Reed was doing the big tour thing for you around the book, but I thought I could help you with it too,” Sam said. “My grandfather was on Walter Moolen’s bowling team, so my dad knew him pretty well too. If you wanted to come over for dinner, I know he’d tell you all about him.”

  Okay, dinner with Sam’s family wasn’t the first thing that came to mind when I thought about going out on a date. He must have seen the expression on my face because he quickly followed it up.

  “That’s not what I was thinking for our date. I should have been clearer. I just didn’t want you to think that Reed was the only person in town who had the inside scoop on the book. Walter stayed in Bleckerville for an entire summer. Lots of folks around here remember him. I think everyone in town was surprised that he didn’t move here after he finished the book. He fit in here so well.”

  That was an interesting tidbit. I’d have to ask Reed about that. Either way, I was somewhat relieved that we were talking about something other than our date. “I appreciate the thought. I may take you up on it.” There was no way I was going to commit to dinner at Sam’s parents’ house. That seemed like an invitation for disaster.

  “I should probably get back,” I said. While Sam and I talked, I had managed to pull some cheese and crackers and a small piece of fruit onto my plate. “We can talk later about Wednesday.”

  “Here.” Sam pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. “It’s my cell number. In case you change your mind about tonight.”

  I took the piece of paper and smiled benignly. I wasn’t calling Sam tonight, but I didn’t need to be mean about it. I made my way back to the front desk to hide. My borrowed copy of Where My Heart Breaks sat off to the side. I figured that Patrice wouldn’t mind if I multi-tasked since I was technically on my lunch break. Chewing on the apple, I opened to the spot where I left off in the story and began to read.

  Thirty minutes later, I flew past Patrice and dove into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I leaned against the door, my chest heaving as tears poured down my face. My emotions were in a tailspin, and I was out of control. I couldn’t believe the story was over. How could Walter Moolen end it that way? Why would he end it that way?

  I looked into the mirror and saw the telltale streaks of mascara on the apples of my cheeks. A deep groan erupted from my chest as I turned on the cold water spigot. As I wet a tissue and began to clean my face, I wanted to wipe away Jackson and Camilla’s love story from my memory as well.

  It wasn’t fair. I wanted to throw something hard and break it. I wanted to wail in agony and pain. My thoughts tumbled all over each other. It didn’t make sense. Jackson and Camilla loved each other terribly, desperately, and they both knew that there would never be another person who could compare to the other person. They were supposed to be together, but then fate intervened and made it impossible.

  It seemed strange to me that people would flock to the destination of such a sordid, unhappy tale. But there was a glimmer of understanding inside of me. The love that Jackson and Camilla had was not something that could be replicated. It was a once in a lifetime, forever kind of love. It was the kind of love that all other kinds paled against, and if you were lucky to find it, you cherished every moment of it. As I stared into my haunted eyes in the mirror, I got it.

  I pulled my phone out of my po
cket. Today, text wouldn’t do. I dialed Reed’s number and waited.

  He picked up after three rings, just when I thought for sure it was going to go to voicemail. “Hey.” His voice was hesitant and unsure.

  “I finished the book.”

  “Was it everything you expected?”

  “I want to see Grossler’s Point.” The spot felt mythic after reading of what transpired there between Jackson and Camilla. “Will you still take me?”

  “I’m in Cheshire until six, but I can swing by the Willoughby after that. We should still have plenty of daylight that way.”

  “Good. I’ll be ready.” Then I hung up. I looked at my watch. It was just after two. I had four hours to come up with a plan.

  What I realized in those few moments in the bathroom was that I didn’t know what was going on between me and Reed, but if there was the possibility, even a sliver of a chance that it could be something epic, I couldn’t let him push me away. He had his doubts, and I needed to figure out what those were to try to combat them. It only seemed fitting that Grossler’s Point could serve as the turning point for us. I wanted answers, and I was going to get them.

  As I stepped out of the bathroom, I heard two low voices that I recognized coming from the front foyer. I was about to announce my presence when I heard my name. I slunk back into the shadows.

  “She said that there wasn’t anything going on with Reed.” That was Sam. “I asked her point blank.”

  “I appreciate that you’ve taken an interest in my niece, but I wish that I could believe that. You don’t fully understand. Kate has a…history.”

  Damn it. Patrice was throwing me under the bus.

  “Although I didn’t personally witness all of Kate’s shenanigans, her mother got a laundry list from the Dean. She had a petulance for hanging around the wrong type of boy, and that appears to be the catalyst for her poor academic performance last year.”